Insomnia
by Angela Pirate Ryoko
Summary: A long night on the Peacemillian, and everyone's awake. . .
1. Heero

Insomnia Part One: Heero

by Angela

I couldn't sleep.  It was crazy—I was so exhausted and I couldn't sleep.  I rolled over and peered at the clock on the table.  2:30.  Fuck.  I'd been lying there for three and a half hours, unable to relax enough for even a short nap.  We had an important mission coming up—catching a few winks in the lounge of the Peacemillian assured us that we'd be together and ready to go when the time came. 

I closed my eyes, and once more the image of that irritating girl filled my mind.  Relena.  I had at almost four hours to get through before dawn; was her face going to confront me every time I closed my eyes?  

How was I supposed to fight if I couldn't even sleep?

I got up.  The floor was cold tile; I was careful not to gasp at the shock of its smooth surface against my warm feet.  They were all sleeping soundly and didn't deserve to be bothered.  All except Duo—I knew he was just as alert as I was, no matter how quiet he'd been.  Not wanting to bother with a light, I picked my way through the dark lounge to the tiny kitchen.  Maybe a drink would help.

The light from the refrigerator hurt my eyes, so I grabbed a beer and quickly shut the door.  I didn't usually drink—I didn't want to risk losing my reaction time.  Tonight I didn't give a damn.  I popped open the can and took a swig.  Ugh.  Bitter stuff.  I sat at the kitchen table, shoving Quatre's sheet music onto the floor.  I was getting kind of tired of staying with the four of them on board this ship, but it'd have to do for a while, until we figured out what Zechs was up to and were finally able to end this war.  I still couldn't figure out what a guy from the Peacecraft family was doing with a terrorist group like the White Fang.  Zechs would be better off backing his sister's naive idea of total pacifism.  At least then he wouldn't betray his own family.

Unbidden, the memory of meeting Relena at school that first day came to me.  I didn't understand what was wrong with me, why I hadn't been able to kill her like I should've.  She was pretty, but I'd seen lots of pretty girls, most of them not as strange as Relena Darlian, or Peacecraft, or whatever she called herself these days.  I shouldn't have wasted another thought on her, but our paths kept crossing, and lately I'd kind of liked it.  

Weaknesses kill gundam pilots.  Relena Darlian is a weakness.  I couldn't let her get me killed.  As I took another drink, another thought came to my mind.  I couldn't let her be killed, either.  

What was wrong with me?  What did I care about that stupid girl and her ridiculous feelings?  I downed the rest of the beer and sat staring through the dark doorway.  What was is to me if she got herself killed?  Since when does a soft voice and long shiny hair obligate me?  She wasn't my friend, and even though she said she was fighting on my side, how did I know?  If you fight me, you are my enemy.  Her father was my enemy.  

Trowa's quiet face came to mind.  I once told him that it was all right for humans to act according to their feelings—maybe I should follow my own advice.  My own emotions.  What were they?  I suddenly felt a surge of resentment toward both Trowa and myself.  What did I know?  I hadn't analyzed my emotions in years—who was I to hand out that kind of advice?

I jumped up to get another beer.

This time the light didn't bother me, so I left the fridge open.  The yellow beam cast strange shadows on the walls.  I studied them.  I didn't want to probe too deeply into my feelings.  I was sure there was some scary stuff down there, and I wasn't ready to deal with it all.  With any of it.  With my eyes I followed the line between light and shadow across the wall.  I opened the beer, sipping it.  It didn't taste so bad now, and I was starting to relax.  Maybe I would be able to sleep after all, even without digging into my psyche.

The light followed the contours of the walls, down the counter, toward the trashcan.  A folded newspaper lay on top, a creased picture beneath a bold headline.  Relena.  I jumped to my feet.  Relena?  Was she everywhere?  

I snatched up the paper, squinting in the semi-darkness.  It was her.  She smiled pleasantly, looking important and confident.  A girl like that didn't need me worrying about her—she had bodyguards for that.  Was I _worrying _about her?  What the hell was wrong with me?  Why was I so obsessed with this girl?  I threw the paper onto the table and slammed the fridge shut, immersing myself in darkness.  I took a long drink.  It was time for me to figure this out.

Pacing across the room, I tried to uncover my feelings about Relena.  I wanted to protect her.  It was my duty as a soldier.  No.  I paused.  No, my _mission _was my duty.  Relena was something else.  I stopped being a soldier when she was in danger.  My urge to protect her went deeper than that.  I didn't know how deep.  I didn't want to know.

She seemed to have some kind of faith in me that was unreal.  Tracing patterns in the condensation on my beer can, I thought about that.  She seemed to know me so well.  She knew what I was going to do before I did, and worse, she knew what I was thinking.  That scared me.  We'd barely spoken, yet she acted like she had some insight into me.  I hated that.   

Not true.  The alcohol was making it harder for me to lie to myself.  She _knew _me.  No one else had bothered, but Relena knew me.  Seeing her, being seen by her, brought me some peace.

So why was I wide-awake in the middle of the night?

When I was with her, I felt awake, alive.  I closed my eyes, picturing her.  By now I had her memorized—her long legs and tiny waist, her hair, her eyes, her mouth.  I didn't know if it was the beer or the direction of my thoughts, but I started to get warm all over.  I took off my tank top, tossing it onto the counter.  Sitting on the edge of the table, I finished my drink and contemplated a third.  She was beautiful.

I wanted her.  I crushed the can in my hand.  The urge was sudden and powerful.  Her image burned itself into me—her hair was tousled and her blouse unbuttoned, and— I growled.  I'd never felt like this before.  I wanted to hold her, and kiss her, to touch her.  To touch her everywhere.  Suddenly I ached with arousal.  Damn!  I wanted to sleep with Relena Darlian.  I wanted to know her, to have her.

"For the rest of my life," I whispered out loud.

I couldn't believe my own voice.  What the hell was I thinking?  I flung the smashed can onto the floor and headed back into the lounge.  Without caring how loudly I was walking, I hurried between my sleeping comrades and flung open the door to the bathroom, half-heartedly closing it behind me.  What was happening to me?  Flipping the light switch on and twisting the knob for the cold water, I splashed my face again and again.  The water was cold and shocking.  It cleared my head.

It was all right to be turned on by the girl.  I was fifteen—the only reason I hadn't felt like this before was that I'd been too busy being a pilot to be a boy.  I stared into the mirror.  "For the rest of my life," I repeated.  I looked like a stranger.  It was my hair and my eyes and my face—all streaming with water—but something didn't make sense.  "What the fuck is wrong with you, Yuy?"  I didn't answer myself.

I closed my eyes and saw an image of Relena, gazing up at me from an unmade bed.  Her hair was loose and she was naked—her eyes were large and insistent.  She said my name.  I let my imagination linger on her breasts, her stomach . . .   In my mind she reached up to me, asking me to help her.  

I stumbled forward, hitting my head on the mirror.  My eyes flicked open and looked back into themselves.  Get a hold of yourself, Heero!  I shook my head hard, trying to free myself of this obsession.  Staring at myself in the mirror, for a moment I saw Heero Yuy—gundam pilot and soldier.  I exhaled slowly, relieved.  The image faded quickly, though, to be replaced by the lingering daydream of her smiling face.

I stepped back a few steps, finding the closed toilet seat and collapsing onto it.  So Relena Darlian had finally gotten under my skin.  I couldn't deny it anymore.  I didn't care—all of a sudden I just wanted to go to sleep.  I bent over, resting my head on my knees.  My hair was wet and cold.  I had to think of some way to relax, to deal with this.  Even if it took the rest of the night.  


	2. Trowa

Insomnia Part Two: Trowa

by Angela

I woke suddenly from deep sleep, and my fighter's instincts wouldn't allow me to roll back into my warm pillow without finding the cause for my disturbance.  I instinctively looked to the makeshift bed on the floor next to me.  Quatre was there, sleeping peacefully, his pale hair falling over his eyes and ruffling slightly as he breathed.  I quickly glanced around the room, my eyes drawn to the ribbon of light streaming from the bathroom door, not quite closed.  Peering into the semi-darkness of the room, I checked the other three.  Duo snored loudly, sprawled over a couch, his legs dangling off one end.  Wufei slept curled into a ball, clutching his pillow like a lover—he must have been dreaming of better nights.  Heero's couch was vacant, his sheet in a heap on the floor.

I got up and crept toward the bathroom, not meaning to spy on Heero, but to close the door so I could go back to sleep.  When I got close, Heero's voice froze my steps as well as my intentions.  

"Re-le-na . . . " he moaned softly in a gentle voice I'd never heard.

I peeked around the open door, squinting my eyes against the bright light.  Heero sat on the closed toilet seat, his naked back to me.  He hunched slightly, and though I couldn't see what he was doing, it didn't take a genius to figure it out.  I turned to slip back into bed, but a string of muttered curses under Heero's breath changed my mind.  He was so frustrated.  I turned back toward him—he hadn't noticed my presence yet.

"A hand's no substitute for a warm body, huh?" I commented softly, not wanting to startle him into violence.

Heero jerked suddenly, but didn't get up.  He twisted his upper body to see me, his breathing ragged.  This could very well be the first time I'd seen him surprised.  "Trowa," he growled, his blue eyes narrowing.

"Don't get all upset."  I tried to keep my voice low and gentle.  "I know the feeling.  I think I can help."

Heero let his guard slip a notch.  "How?"

"Close your eyes."  I couldn't believe I was thinking of doing what I was about to do.

Heero tensed, his eyes flashing violently.  "What?"

"Just close them.  Trust me."  

He looked at me suspiciously for a moment, but frustration or curiosity must have gotten the better of him.  His eyes closed.

"Now think of her."  I took a couple of steps and stood before him.  

Heero opened his eyes a fraction, peering at me through long lashes.  I stood my ground.  After a moment, he stopped watching me, his lashes settling against his cheeks once more.  "Relena," he sighed, conjuring her image.

I knelt in front of him, and suddenly realized that this would be even more difficult than I'd thought.  My face burned with mortification.  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  Heero needed this.  He was my friend.  With another breath my resolve was hardened.  I would do this.

His whole body shook as I wrapped my trembling fingers around him.  "Shhh," I soothed gently.  Closing my own eyes, I lowered my face toward him, experimentally touching my tongue to the tip of his stiff shaft.  Heero shuddered violently, but didn't open his eyes.  Feeling better, I licked again, this time tasting him.  He was both salty and sweet, and unlike anything I'd tasted before.  Swirling my tongue around him, I drew his penis into my mouth.

Heero gasped.  "Trowa!" he whispered violently, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter.

"Relena," I corrected softly, releasing him while I took a breath.  I covered him again, twisting my tongue every which way, searching for something that worked.  It must've been all right; Heero breathed the girl's name, smiling gently.  Encouraged, I braced myself with my hands on his thighs, leaning forward as I took him more fully into my mouth.  He jerked toward me, gagging me as he touched the back of my throat.  I didn't mind, enjoying the trembling of his legs beneath my hands.  I withdrew slightly, teasing him with my tongue.  

This was becoming easier for me.  I was liked the idea of pleasing him.  Growing bold, I cupped his balls in one hand while I pumped his shaft with the other, the whole time keeping the tip of him busy with my tongue.  Heero shuddered, a moan escaping his lips.  He clenched his hands into fists.  After a few moments, I slowed, growing tired.  Heero wouldn't let me.  He grasped my head with his hands and pushed my face toward him, his fingers tangling in my long hair.  I eagerly tried to please him, sucking and kissing and licking as fast as my tongue would go.  

A moment later Heero tensed, clenching my hair painfully in his fists.  In two long shudders, he came into my mouth.  I choked back the urge to throw up, standing as soon as he released my hair.  I spit into the sink, shocked at how bitter the stuff tasted.  Turning on the water, I rinsed my mouth as Heero slumped back against the tank of the toilet, his eyes still closed.

"Thank you," he whispered raggedly.

I nodded, not trusting my voice so soon.  This was a very shocking experience for me, and I was afraid that I'd just ruined my friendship with Heero.  

"Trowa," he began hesitantly.  "I was thinking of Relena."

I nodded again.  That was the point.

"I mean," he broke off, opening his cobalt eyes.  "Trowa, I'm not—"

"Gay?"  I tried to smile at him.  "Me neither."

His eyes widened in surprise.

I chuckled.  "So I finally shocked Heero Yuy."  I paused.  "No, I'm not gay.  It's just," I glanced into the dark room behind me.  "You can't help who you love."

"Quatre?" he asked solemnly.

I nodded.  For a long time I'd wished I could ease some of Quatre's pains the way I just had with Heero, but I couldn't.  Quatre was too innocent to need my help, and I was too scared to initiate it.  Other than just now, with Heero, I'd never touched another guy.  Besides, my feelings for Quatre were too important to risk with sex.  He meant too much to me.

Heero shook his head.  "He's a sweet kid, but I don't get it."  He smiled at me, grabbing his shorts from the floor.  "Don't worry, I won't tell."

I brushed my teeth and washed my hands after Heero went back to bed.  I studied myself in the mirror for a long time, wondering who I'd become, performing sexual favors out of loyalty and thinking of someone else the whole time.  Sometimes I didn't recognize my own face.  I wondered what Quatre saw when he looked at me.   Turning off the light, I crept through the dark room, not looking to where Heero lay awake on his couch.  As I slipped beneath my blanket, I glanced over to where Quatre slept, all golden and sweet like a child.

He opened his eyes and smiled at me.  "You're back," he whispered groggily.  "I woke up and wondered where you were."

I smiled at him.  "Right here," I whispered back.  "I'll always be right here."

He smiled sleepily and closed his eyes.  "Good," he whispered, barely making a sound.  "Now I can go back to sleep."

Sleep didn't claim me for a long time—long after I heard Heero's breathing deepen.  I watched Quatre, and wondered if it was wrong to feel as happy as I did.  But you can't help who you love—it couldn't be wrong.


	3. Quatre

Insomnia Part Three: Quatre

by Angela

A vague sense of unease drew me slowly from sleep.  I fought it, unwilling to open my eyes.  A voice in my head nagged me—unease meant danger.  My senses were keen and alert even as my mind woke slowly.  I listened to the darkness, hoping I'd hear nothing that would force me more completely from my slumber.  Duo was snoring.  Wufei mumbled something incomprehensible in his sleep.  I didn't hear the steady sigh of Trowa's breathing.

I opened my eyes.  His bedding was vacant.  A shaft of light from the bathroom left a trail on the floor.  The door was ajar.  Of course.  I settled back into my pillow, trying to imagine that the hard floor was a featherbed.

Just as I was closing my eyes, I heard Heero's voice, muffled and strained, coming from the bathroom.  I sat up, startled.  Heero's rumpled bed on the farthest couch was empty too.  If he was in there, then where was Trowa?  It wasn't like him to wander around at—I checked the clock—at 3:30 in the morning.

"Thank you."  Heero's words were quiet, but distinct.  Who was he thanking, and for what?  Could Trowa be in the bathroom with Heero?  That made no sense!  Unless . . . but no, that wasn't possible!  I stood up, flinching as my feet touched the cold floor.  Even as I picked my way through to darkness, I felt lousy for doing something as underhanded as spying.

Duo's snores seemed to get louder as I passed his couch.  I glanced down at him, noticing how very long his hair was when it was unbound.  It tangled around his arms and neck like—

"Yow!"  I stubbed my toe on a boot—Duo's—and stumbled across the floor.  Hopping slightly, I clenched my teeth.  Darn it Duo!  If he weren't sound asleep, I'd think he was smiling!  

"Quatre?"  Wufei sat up suddenly, obviously startled by the noise I was making.  His face was tense and pale.  "Quatre, what time is it?" he asked raggedly.

"About 3:35.  Go back to sleep."  I didn't mean to wake anyone.  I felt even worse; not only was I spying on my best friend, but I ruined Wufei's dream as well.  He laid back down as I took the last couple steps to the open bathroom door.  The water was running.  I leaned against the doorway, unable to bring myself to peek.  It was bad enough that I was eavesdropping.  

"So I finally shocked Heero Yuy."  It was Trowa!  His voice sounded light, almost cheerful.  "No, I'm not gay," he continued.  "It's just . . .you can't help who you love."

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.  _Trowa_ loved _Heero_?  What did he mean, he wasn't gay?  Of course he wasn't—Trowa liked girls!  He'd been with girls before.  Lots of times!  So why'd he say—Did that mean that they—I shook my head violently, trying to clear the images that come to mind, of Heero and Trowa embracing, kissing.  And what about Rele—

Heero spoke.  "Quatre?"

My heart stopped.  Did Trowa love _me_?  I held my breath, waiting for his answer.  I didn't know if I wanted him to say yes or no, but it was clear that I didn't like the idea of him with Heero.  If Trowa said he loved Heero—well, he was my very best friend.  He didn't make sense with Heero.  But if he loved me—

"He's a sweet kid, but I don't get it."  Heero again.  Who was "he?"  Me?  Duo?  Wufei?  Me?  My chest was starting to hurt.  I realized I was still holding my breath.  I let it go in a long sigh.  At least it wasn't Heero.  "Don't worry, I won't tell."

The door opened more fully and I hurriedly pressed myself close to the wall, not wanting to be seen.  I clenched my eyes shut as Heero's silhouette blocked the light.  I heard the door shut, but no footsteps.  I'd been discovered.

I slowly opened my eyes, expecting to see both of them, enraged and ready to tear me apart.  Heero was alone, adjusting the waistband of his shorts.  He watched me, his face serious.  Trowa was still in the bathroom.  I opened my mouth to speak.

"Figured you were out here," Heero said quietly, before I could utter a sound.  His breath smelled a bit like alcohol.  Like beer.  "Go easy on him, okay?"

My face burned red in the darkness.  Go easy on him?  For what?  For loving me?  Or for something else?  Heero's chest and forehead were damp with sweat.  "Did you—" I asked in an accusing whisper.  "Did you and Trowa—" I couldn't bring myself to say the rest.

Heero put a hand on my head, ruffling my hair gently.  It was odd—he usually didn't touch any of us.  "Go back to sleep, Quatre.  He'll be out any second."

He was right.  It was bad enough that Heero knew I'd been eavesdropping, but I couldn't bear to have Trowa know, too.  As Yuy made his way back to his bed, I scrambled to mine.  I almost tripped over Duo's boot again, but at the last moment remembered to hop over its dark outline.  I fell into my blankets and concentrated on calming my breathing.  

I felt like a fool.  I had some idea of what had just gone on between Trowa and Heero—I wasn't as innocent as everyone seemed to think.  Now I wondered how Trowa felt about me.  Even more, I wondered how I felt about Trowa.  I was afraid to face him—scared I'd get angry about Heero and scared of something else.  I was scared of _why _I'd be angry about Heero.

The bathroom door opened and the light clicked off.  I closed my eyes, feigning sleep as I listened to him approach.  My heart began to pound.  I heard the rustle of his blankets and his soft grunt as he knelt on the floor.  I heard the sigh of his breath, and I opened my eyes, pretending to be sleepy.

He was two feet away, laying in his on the floor, as I was, his eyes wide in the darkness.  He was watching me.  I smiled, hoping he couldn't see my cheeks flush red.  "You're back," I whispered.  "I woke up and wondered where you were."  I was happy to see him.

Trowa smiled—a rare treat.  "Right here," he assured me, his voice low.  "I'll always be right here."

I closed my eyes.  "Good.  Now I can go back to sleep."  I wasn't worried anymore.  It wasn't so hard to face Trowa.  I peeked at him, barely opening my eyes.  Two feet away.  Every night we slept, face to face, just twenty-four inches away from each other.  Something about that seemed all right.           


	4. Wufei

Insomnia Part Four: Wufei

by Angela

I was making love.  To a woman.  She was amazing.  

I looked down at her—her long dark hair tangled on the pillow and her pink lips bitten red with passion.  She was totally new to me—I couldn't even remember how I'd met her, how we came to be here this night.  I didn't care.  She was incredible.  She was Chinese.  I couldn't remember how long it'd been since I'd seen a Chinese woman—not like Sally, but entirely Chinese, with black hair and dark eyes.  It made me crazy.  I pressed myself closer to her.

"Wufei," she whispered hoarsely.  "Wufei, I need—"  She flung back her head and closed her eyes.  Heaven.  Her neck was pale and delicious.  I had to taste it.  I buried my face against her skin, savoring the sweet scent of lotus that reminded me of home.

She pulled my hair, twisting its length around her fingers.  "Kiss me!" she demanded, yanking me close.  I did.  She tasted like sugar and rum and sex.  

Wrapping my hands around her wrists, I pulled her fingers from my hair and pinned her hands over her head.  She whimpered quietly, her white teeth gnawing on her full bottom lip.  I bit my own, drawing blood.  God, she was hot.  Holding her with one hand, I let the other tour her naked body.  She was so smooth.  I was fighting for control.

"Shhh," I whispered, as much to my own body as to her.  "Just wait, my Nataku."  I nipped at her earlobe, then traced my tongue down her neck.  

As soon as I released her wrists, she grasped my shoulders, arching her body against mine.  I slid lower, tasting her neck, her collarbone, the cleft between her breasts.  Her breasts.  I was undone.  

I devoured her.    Hands and tongue and teeth—and she was thrashing beneath me, my name on her lips.  Power moved me and I pushed her against the soft mattress, stilling her movements.  Her eyes widened.  She smiled.  Savoring every movement, I traced a trail down her stomach and beyond.  She gasped, squealing for me to stop even as her hands pushed me lower.  

I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt this good.  Her body responded to my every move, my every desire.  From her sultry eyes to her long, long legs, she was completely mine, waiting—begging—for my attention.

I gave it to her.  I couldn't control my breath—I exhaled harshly, blowing my hair from my face.  She pushed it back, clutching a makeshift ponytail to the back of my head as we moved together.  She cried out, wrapping her legs more firmly around my waist.  My fists clenched the sheets on either side of her head.  This was driving me mad.  I wanted more.  I didn't know how there could be any more.

"Wufei!" 

Yeah, I understood.  I wanted to scream.  I might have.

Breathless, I collapsed onto her, rolling slightly so I wouldn't crush her.  I licked my lips—sweat and blood—and looked down at her.  Her eyes were closed and her face was damp.  Her breath came in short, hot gasps that tickled my face and neck.  Even spent and exhausted, she was exquisite.  I told her.

She smoothed my hair, whispering endearments in the language I'd not heard spoken for months.  A woman's voice could be so soft.  I traced my fingers over her throat so I could feel the tiny vibrations of her words.  It tickled.  It irritated me.

She was still talking.   I wanted to sleep.  Her voice changed, in my mind, from light and soothing to husky, grating, and I wanted it stopped.  "Quiet, woman," I growled.  

She laughed.  Just like Meiran, always laughing at me.  A rage washed over me, and I had some trouble controlling it.  I turned away from her, clenching my eyes shut.

She laughed again, tugging at my hair.  "Aww, did I make the kid mad?" she teased.  "He's good in bed, but not much of a fighter, I guess."

I wasn't going to take any more.  Who was this whore to say whether or not I could fight?  What did any woman understand about war and battle?  With a growl of fury, I turned to her, wrapping my fingers around her narrow throat.  No woman would ever taunt me again, especially this Lucrezia Noin with her arrogant expression.

I squeezed, expecting her to struggle, to show terror.  She stared up at me, the haughty glow never leaving her dark eyes.  It frustrated, infuriated me that she wasn't afraid of me.  She didn't even panic as the last bit of breath left her lungs—Sally Po was determined to prove that I couldn't get under her skin, even as I squeezed the life out of her.  Stubborn woman.

Suddenly I was confused.  Sally Po?  Noin?  I closed my eyes.  Where was the dark eyed vixen I'd made love to?  What was going on?  I tried to gather my thoughts, to sort out my confusion, but I couldn't remember.  Had it been Sally the whole time?  I slowly opened my eyes.

It wasn't Sally who lay still and quietly beside me.  My mind recoiled at the horror of what I had done.  Her face was pale and blue, but even in death she was lovely.  Her face wasn't a woman's—she was still a child, her hair in pigtails and her mouth sweet and lacking cynicism.  Meiran.  I had killed her again.

I jumped from the bed, clenching my eyes shut, willing the image to change back to the stranger, to Noin, even to Sally.  It didn't change.  I'd been confused.  I'd killed my bride a second time—this time with my own hands.

My knees gave out.  I crumpled on the floor, not concerned about the hot tears that streamed down my cheeks.  The horror of what I had done, what my own hands had been capable of, washed over me, drowning me.  I pulled on the sheets, needing to feel something real—but Meiran's hand fell over the edge of the bed, our wedding ring glinting in the lamplight.

I screamed.

Darkness.  My pulse was racing.  Was I in a battle?  My eyes slowly adjusted, focusing on the still room around me.  I was aboard the Peacemillian.  I was in the lounge, sitting up on one of the stiff couches.  My hell had been a dream.

I was slow to digest that fact.  How did I know which was the dream?  How did I know how to trust myself?  I killed her.  Dream or no, I killed her.  What kind of animal had I become?

A figure crept toward me, his pale hair gleaming in the faint yellow light.  "Quatre?"  I didn't even recognize my own voice.  Was Quatre part of this nightmare?  But no, I was awake.  "Quatre, what time is it?"

His answer was soft.  3:35.  Real time.  There weren't any mysterious strangers here.  No bodies.  No Meiran.  I tried to wrap my mind around the idea that it'd all been a dream.  Harmless.  Quatre told me to go back to sleep. 

Not a chance.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd dreamed of her.  She was the past.  The past was over.  Why did she haunt me tonight?  I closed my eyes, rocking myself slowly as I wrapped my arms around my knees.  

Tomorrow might be my day with Treize.  But I didn't want to kill him.  I didn't want to kill anyone.  


	5. Duo

Insomnia Part Five: Duo

by Angela

As Heero quietly left the room, I opened my eyes.  So the perfect soldier couldn't get a perfect night's sleep?  I grinned.  Nice to know he was human.  Maybe a night of insomnia might make him a little less effective.  Usually it was pretty hard to keep up with him; hopefully my luck was changing.  Swinging my legs over the edge of the couch, I sat up.  Now the only question was what that guy was up to.  

I hesitated.  Heero had never been the most open sort of guy.  I didn't think he'd take kindly of my following him around in the middle of the night.  I couldn't sleep, though.  I glanced at the clock—it was 2:39.  Heero Yuy might be my only diversion at this time of night.  I scanned the lounge, where the other three pilots slept peacefully.  Wufei was snuggling with his pillow and Quatre and Trowa always slept facing each other, as though they couldn't sleep without seeing the other.  Lucky them.  I was lonely.  And bored.  I couldn't even sleep my way into some little chick's arms like Wufei.

I thought of Hilde.  Beautiful, spunky, curvy Hilde.  It was too bad that nothing had happened there.  She was really something—fun to hang out with, too.  I'd been waiting for the right opening to start things with her, but it never came.  If this fucking war had taught me anything, it was that you don't wait, you act.  The image of Hilde lingered in my mind, making me wish I'd made some more provocative memories before leaving her.  If I managed to survive these last battles, I'd have to look her up.

Wufei murmured something in his sleep.  It was in Chinese.  It sounded naughty.  Damn him.  For a second I considered looking for Yuy.  At least he and I had being awake in common, and unlike the Sleeping Stud, I knew that Heero didn't have sex on his mind.  I stood, stretching and yawning.  He was probably in front of the nearest computer.

Hurried footsteps in the hall made me reconsider.  Climbing back into my makeshift bed, I closed my eyes, breathing deeply in a fake snore.  If someone was looking for a volunteer for late-night chores, they sure weren't gonna find me awake.  I'd learned that lesson last night.  Geez!  It was almost three AM!  What kind of maniac would want her sickroom floors scrubbed at 3:00 in the fucking morning?

The door slid open and slammed shut again.  Heero?  He tromped across the lounge and flung open the bathroom door.  I peeked through my lashes.  I'd never seen him so agitated.  I stifled a laugh, choking on another snore.  He'd left the door cracked open, and I could just barely see him hunched over the sink, splashing water on his face.  It looked like he was giving himself a pep talk.  Yeah, get 'em, Tiger.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Yuy?"  Heero's voice was muffled, but I couldn't help overhearing as I leaned as far as I could reach toward the open door.  I steadied my hand against the floor, hoping I wouldn't tumble off the couch.  He definitely wouldn't like my interrupting this touching moment with himself.

So what was wrong with him?  Granted, I hadn't known the guy for very long, but this angst thing seemed totally out of character for him.  I hoped he wasn't thinking of joining forces with Zechs and the White Fang.  That was just the kind of thing he'd do, especially if he thought his reasons were justified.  I glanced into the bathroom again. 

Yikes!  Suddenly I doubted very much that he had Zechs Marquise on his mind at all—at least, I really hoped not.   Mortified, I twisted my face away from the scene, burying it in my pillow.  I don't know why I was so shocked—we all did it at one time or other—I even joked with Wufei about it from time to time.  After all, we were fifteen years old.  But Heero?  Somehow I always thought he was different, that he wasn't the type to spank his monkey in the bathroom in the middle of the night.  I groaned.  Too bad he wasn't the type to close the door.

A noise from the floor warned me that my groan had disturbed one of my friends.  I clenched my eyes shut and snored loudly.  I really didn't want to be associated in any way with what Heero was up to.

My disturbed friend was Trowa.  I could hear his footsteps as he crept toward the open bathroom door.  Don't do it Trowa!  Go back to sleep with the door open, damn it.  It would've been funny except for the bloodshed that would no doubt follow.  

"A hand's no substitute for a warm body, huh?"

What the hell?!  I gritted my teeth together.  I had no idea that Trowa was so suicidal.  

Time passed.  I opened my eyes.  What?  No fighting?  Now I was scared.  Trowa had apparently knocked the door mostly shut—I couldn't see what was going on.  I kinda got the feelings that this was a good thing. 

So what was going on with those guys?  I could've sworn that Trowa had a thing for Quatre.  Hell, I could've sworn that Yuy was asexual.  Guess I was wrong on both counts.  I glanced over to where Quatre lay sleeping.  It didn't seem fair.  

A gasp from the far corner of the room took my attention from the little prince.  Wufei was tangled in his sheets, a smile twisting his features.  I recognized that smile.  Heero was probably smiling that smile.  Damn.  I'd never been blessed with wet dreams.  

Suddenly the Chinese pilot issued a throaty growl.  I was mortified.  He clutched his pillow, purring contentedly and murmuring words he must've learned from Chinese romance novels.  I sort of wished I had a tape recorder, but at the same time, I was glad no one knew I was awake.  You know bad things are happening in the universe when Duo Maxwell is the only one who isn't getting any.

Moans from the bathroom emphasized my point.  I wondered if Miss Noin would feel too betrayed if I just left.  Another night like this could kill me.  I closed my eyes, this time really meaning it when I resolved to go to sleep.

"Quiet, woman!"  Wufei's angry growl opened my eyes again.  I sat up, curious at this strange turn of events.  He was still asleep, but his face was tense and his fists clenched in his hair.  Trouble in paradise?

A string of rough Mandarin cussing followed, and I was getting worried.  This didn't sound like Wufei at all.  

Quatre shifted in his bed and I just as quickly threw myself back onto my pillow.  I didn't quite see the point of faking it now, but I found myself trying to convince my friend that I was really unconscious.  

"Thank you."  Heero?  Oh hell.  If I could hear it, so could Quatre.  Suddenly I felt rewarded for my night of vigilance.  It looked like the fun was about to begin.  I snored loudly, hamming it up with a mid-snore choke.  

"Yow!"  The idiot stepped on my boot.  I snickered, hiding it behind a restless sigh.  "Wuuufie," I murmured happily, pretending to be in the throes of a dream consisting of Wufei and kittens.  You'd think that a kid trained for war could've learned a little stealth.

A slight commotion came from Wufei's side of the room.  Apparently Quatre's graceful tumble woke him up.  Good one, blondie.  Now we were all awake.

I think Quatre must've told him to go back to sleep, because he proceeded his stealthy assault on the bathroom door.  I twisted on the couch, blatantly watching.  Quatre was too caught up in his work to notice me, and by the looks of it, Wufei was spacing out, not exactly with us.  Fine by me.

Trowa and Heero were talking.  I couldn't hear it, but Quatre could.  He looked like he didn't know whether to scream or run away.  I'd vote for run—now that all the fun was over, they were bound to come out of there soon.

The door opened.  I pulled my sheet over my head, letting myself sink into my pillow.  I'd help Quatre if Heero started swinging, but otherwise I wanted no part in this.

I was shocked when Heero spoke, his voice friendly.  "Go easy on him, okay?"  Wow—so Trowa and Quatre really were a couple.  I suspected, but the proof made it a little weird.  Well, not as weird as Trowa giving Heero a blowjob, but definitely odd.

Quatre was pissed.  I could hear it in the way he stammered and how his voice shook.  I imagined his face bright red and hostile.  Cute.  I caught myself—three homosexuals in one room were quite enough.  I didn't need the complication.  I thought about Hilde naked.  Inspired, I imagined Noin and Sally naked, too.  I grinned.  My gay friends didn't know what they were missing.

After playing through my foursome fantasy a couple of times, I glanced around the room.  Everyone was back in bed.  Trowa and Quatre seemed a bit closer together than usual, and Heero was already sound asleep.  Wufei sat huddled on his couch, his eyes wild.  I didn't want to know how a dream that sounded so sexy could make a guy look so deadly.

I was thirsty.  I knew I could get a drink of water from the bathroom, but I hesitated.  I wasn't sure I wanted to go in there just yet.  The kitchen sounded much better, and who knew?  I might just run into Sally or Noin.  I smoothed my hair, rebraiding the end—it was best to be prepared for whatever might happen.

After walking all the way to the kitchens without seeing so much as a shadow of a woman, I was a little tired.  Maybe a mug of hot chocolate and then back to bed.  I finally felt ready to sleep.  I flicked on the light and was shocked by the mess.  The trashcan had been tipped over, beer cans had been tossed around, and there were water rings all over the stainless steel prep table.  Sally would freak if she saw this.  

A scrap of dark green material caught my attention.  No way—Heero Yuy's shirt.  I plucked it off of the mixer—clearly it had been flung.  I started to laugh.  So Heero had been drinking, but thoughts of Trowa got him so hot and bothered that he had to go take care of things?  I was almost impressed.  Usually alcohol had the opposite effect.

I started picking up the beer cans, righting the trash to throw them away.  He owed me one.  I got a towel from the sink to wipe off the table.  God forbid Sally find rings.  Picking up the newspaper to clean beneath is, I paused.  

Smiling beautifully from the front page was a stunning picture of Relena Peacecraft.  Suddenly I understood.  This was more like the Heero Yuy I knew.  I sat down, picking a half-empty can up from the table and taking a swig.  Relena was a hottie—no wonder my pal hadn't been able to just go back to bed.

I closed my eyes, conjuring up her long blonde hair and lovely legs.  She'd look good with Hilde.  Making myself more comfortable in the chair, I imagined them peeling each other's clothes off.  Suddenly it seemed I wouldn't be going to sleep after all.


End file.
